When my (now 25 year old) kid was in elementary and middle school, I volunteered a lot. All the kids knew me.
.
I treated them with an uncommon amount of respect. I saw something special in each one and reflected their light back to them.
.
This was something they did not receive from adults very often, if ever.
.
The effect this had on their Consciousness was not subtle. These kids came alive and opened up in a whole new way when I treated them this way.
.
I was careful to treat the ‘bullies’ with the same respect. When you spend a lot of time with kids you learn to read their social structures. I made sure to hold them in the same spirit of compassionate, No Wrongness. I looked past the surface of their behavior and reflected their light back to them also.
.
When they were around me they would always soften. In fact it was very hard for them to be unkind to others, not because they were afraid of any consequence, but because they felt deeply valued.
.
Perhaps that filled a need of theirs to be seen, to matter. I listened to them and took them seriously.
.
Perhaps they were able to drop their defenses and be their truest self around me, because they knew I would accept it, even celebrate it.
.
Even a decade later when I talk to my kid about those days, they remember how the social structure of her entire class was affected by my presence as a volunteer.
.
We CAN change the choices of kids who regularly engage in bullying behavior. We need to implement a connected, relational, empathy based approach.
.
No amount of wrongness or consequences will ever achieve the kind of systemic shift that we’re looking for.
.
The intensely humanizing way I treated those kids affected an entire class, from kindergarten up to grade eight.
.
I was the most radical adult they had met. Someone who held no authority over them, someone who always respected them, and at the same time saw through any manipulation attempt.
.
When I called them out, it was always in a spirit of acceptance and understanding. I would say:
.
“I understand that you have to do that with most adults. I did the same when I was a kid. It’s no different. I know you have to survive.
.
But with me you don’t have to do that. I’m with you and I’m listening.”
.
And they knew I meant it.
.
This is how we can point things out to kids without it being a criticism. In fact I was encouraging them. I validated their defense mechanisms. I acknowledged there’s a real threat, and it makes sense to protect yourself from it.
.
We ended up on the same side. Once this connection was made they would open up and we could look at the situation together, fearlessly. Defences dropped.
.
The kids got used to being treated with respect, as well as being encouraged to treat others the same way. I helped them see the benefit of doing so, especially because of how good it felt to be treated like that by me.
.
The modeling, the relationship, the philosophy, the stories, and the consistent integrity were all very inspirational to the kids. They started to open up and take on those behaviors themselves.
.
Feeling like this adult was on the same side as the kids, they began to see each other the way as well. Their lenses were changing. Gradually the bullies, the victims, the marginalized kids, everybody seemed to come together.
.
In fact there was an active effort to include the people who were usually excluded. I noted a distinct difference between the grade levels I had less interaction with. Even so the entire school was profoundly affected by this whole experiment.
.
By the way I was also school council chair. I coached or assistant coached pretty much all the sports teams all the way up through middle school. I also had the opportunity to teach a number of classes. I taught math, science, English. In grade 8 they couldn’t get a music teacher so I taught the entire grade 8 music program as a volunteer, including putting on a music night!
.
I spent a lot of time with these kids, with the teachers, the admin, and the parents. Deeply embedded in the school culture.
.
When I recently went live with my kid, who is now a young adult, she was talking about some of the classes I would teach back in middle school. She said even then she and her friends knew it was about more than the math, science, or English that I was teaching. They all had a sense something deeper was going on.
.
I was constantly trying to expand their minds. I would try and help them believe in themselves, their capacity, their dreams. I wanted them to know that despite so many of the messages they receive, they are not bad people.
.
I also wanted them to believe that they had power. So often young people feel they are powerless. I showed them their power at every opportunity. As well as to care for how they wield it
.
I was grateful to hear that my intentions were clear, and came across positively. My goal was always to help kids see the bright light that they are. To know their worth. I used my time with them to share values however I could.
.
For example: In science class I would tell them that our bodies are made of atoms. I would say there’s no difference between us except the difference in arrangement of those atoms. We’re different arrangements of the same stuff and so we are all one. Whatever we do to each other we do to ourselves.
.
However I wouldn’t word it as if I was the moral superior authority telling them what they need to do. It was more that I was admiring the power they have.
.
You have the power through your arrangements of electrons to affect the experience of another arrangement of electrons. How you use that power will always be up to you.
.
Adults will try and tell you what you should do and what’s right or wrong. You can take that in as information, but always know that the truth is in your heart. Each of you knows what’s right and wrong for you in the moment. The most important thing for you to honor that.
.
Adults are guessing most of the time anyway. 🤣
.
We would start out talking about physics and end up talking about life.
.
This is the same approach my mother, @Shivani, takes in her work in self-empowerment workshops in prison. She has designed a six week course that helps those guys see themselves. See the light that they are. See their No Wrongness, the Pure Love they have in their heart, and then want to express it to the world.
.
In the same way that those kids wanted to be their truest self around me. (Note I’m intentionally not saying best self) the prisoners wanted to be their true selves for my mom.
.
We are operating from the same principles in both environments. Connection, No Wrongness, Empathy, Validation, Exploring Values etc.
.
The same principles will work in your family.
.
In implementing this mindset you can start with a practice. Every time you think of expressing a complaint to your kids, bite your tongue.
.
I know that might not sound very spiritual, but it is extremely practical! I often say I only have 7% of my tongue left.
.
Take a deep breath and be pleased you averted a disconnecting moment. Now you can look for a way to connect instead.
.
Every time you want to criticize or correct, stop for a moment, and breathe. Think about what you really want to achieve. Think about the deeper experience. Think about nourishing the relationship of trust and connection.
.
Choose your responses from that mindset. You will see the same kind of effects that I did in those school years. It shifts dramatically how kids relate to us when they feel our deep respect for who they are.
.
Can you reflect your child’s light back to them, even when they are at their most difficult? Can you do the same for yourself?
.
❤️
