Peering beneath the mask
I know that as I walk through the world
I wear a certain mask of personality.
There is a particular face that I show the world.
There is a deeper self that I
show to close friends and family.
There is also a large part of who I am
that no one else ever gets to see.
The desire to be seen is powerful
There is a part of me that wishes I could
expose my true and complete self
to everyone all the time.
I would like to feel that I am unconditionally accepted
and loved for all the parts of me.
The joy,
the anger,
the pain
and the love.
I have been hurt and so I trust less
The problem is I simply do not trust
that this will be the case.
In fact I have a mountain of evidence
that demonstrates this is not true.
There have been many times
when I have exposed more of my true self than usual
to people and been hurt as a result of it.
This causes me to close down,
protect myself and share less of
who I am with the world.
It also causes me to want to be around people less and be alone more.
I have a deep desire for connection with people
Yet I long for deep and fulfilling relationships.
I ache to be seen for who I am
and to be truly understood.
I want to connect with people in a profound way
and share experiences,
share our struggles
and open my heart.
This will require me to find a way to stay open
even when I am hurt or rejected.
It means being willing to trust again
even after being hurt.
It means taking the chance that
there will be people who can accept all of me.
Staying open is terribly frightening and requires great effort
This is not something that will come easily because
my instinct is to protect my soft and vulnerable heart.
I know that in protecting it,
or at least over protecting it
I am actually denying it
its deepest fulfillment.
I am seeking joy and ecstasy
There is great joy in connecting with other people.
There is an ecstasy that deep relationships can bring.
If I want to allow this joy and ecstasy into my life
I must have courage.
It will take courage to
lay myself open and
let people see beneath my mask.
A deep process requires a deep patience
I know it will take time to reveal myself more and more.
I will have patience as I go through this process
because I know that the more open and
exposed I am to the world
and especially to the people in my life,
the more opportunity there is for connection and depth.
And I desperately want connection and depth.
So I shall keep plugging away.
Personal growth really is a never ending path.
It is also a never-ending battle
and a never-ending party!
