It is a particular skill to be able to express your pain
or dissatisfaction with someone
without making them feel guilty.
Guilt Rarely Ever Inspires Real Change
Sometimes it can produce a short-term change,
but the behaviour always reverts back.
Sometimes it even gets worse
because the guilt has added a new layer of pain
onto a negative behaviour that already came from pain.
Pain Without Blame
What we want to do is inspire
empathy and compassion in the other person
by expressing our pain without blame.
Empathy and compassion naturally make us
want to do what we can to
increase happiness and ease suffering
in other people.
This this is not easy because
it requires significant inner clarity.
Accept Your Own Pain
This means validating your own pain
so that you can feel it and express it honestly and fully
and at the same time taking responsibility for it
so that you are not blaming.
Getting Rid Of Blame Creates More Openness
In this spirit of genuine feeling and ownership
when you express your pain to someone else
and explain how they contributed to the situation
they will be much more open to making alterations
in their thoughts feelings and behaviours.
This is because when you don’t blame
they realize that it is about you
and not about them.
Even though sometimes it might also be about them!
Why Do You Want To Express Your Pain?
The main point is that often when people express their pain
it is not to genuinely communicate
nor is it to achieve a positive outcome.
More commonly when people express their pain to someone else
it is to make the other person feel bad
(even if they are doing this unconsciously)
or to just be able to vent their emotions.
If are doing this in some sort of close relationship
like lovers or the parent child relationship
then this form of expression can be quite destructive.
Feeling More Heard and Healed
If we can express our pain without the blame
then in fact we feel more heard and healed
because we are creating less resistance in the other person.
It also gives the other person an opportunity
to reflect on their own choices in the relationship.
The times I am successful in doing this
I know I inspire more love and understanding in the other person
and this in turn nourishes me at a time when I really need it.
It benefits everyone.
It is an effort to do this,
but definitely worth the effort.
(I seem to end a lot of my blogs with that sentiment!)