I value the pain I have gone through in my life as a gift. It has taught me a lot and brought me to the place in my life where I am now. And I quite like that place. A lot of the love I have in me has come from a reaction to that pain. So I also would not change what has happened in my life.
At the same time that doesn’t mean that the people who caused me pain were doing a good thing. Even if I learned from it, and it made me a better person that does not make their causing me pain an intelligent, loving or helpful choice. To cause a person pain intentionally is not a good way to live life. Really isn’t that an accurate definition of evil? To intentionally cause a person pain.
But How Will They Learn?
There is a common idea that in order for children to learn how to deal with adversity and pain their parents must not be overly kind and accommodating. Often when I tell people about my gentle, conscious parenting ideas their response is
“How will they learn to deal with adversity if you are always nice to them?”
Looking only at the surface of things I can understand this way of thinking. The problem is that it doesn’t look at how kids actually learn to deal with adversity. Or rather it is not thinking deeply about the attitudes, skills and knowledge kids need to do so.
I think our time is better invested in studying these things
and then consciously passing them on to our children.
They Experience Obstacles From Day One
From the moment we are born we experience difficulty, adversity, pain and obstacles.
We make a sudden and violent transition from being a water creature,
floating in the dark, being fed internally, not having to breathe
and the primary sounds we hear are our mothers heartbeat and breath –
to having to breathe, feeling the pangs of hunger and needing to eat,
dealing with harsh light and sound and fighting gravity.
And that’s day one!
I Don’t Want To Be a Source Of Pain
If I end up being just one more person she cannot count on,
just one more let down in a world of let downs,
then how will she really learn from me?
She may learn in spite of me.
I’d prefer she learn because of me.
Rather than being the source of more pain,
I’d rather be the one who educates my child
on how to deal with it when the rest of the world
brings her pain, strife and struggle.
Inspire, Teach, Educate and Build
To teach her how to cope with loss,
rise up against adversity
and persevere when she feels like giving up.
I want to help her learn how to transform
pain into growth,
hate into love
and obstacles into the rocket fuel
that will propel her into her dreams.
To instil the strength, the self-confidence and the inner power
that will allow her to navigate more smoothly
all the obstacles that I had to struggle through.
Nice Does Not Equal Weak
By being nice to them we’re not sheltering them.
We’re just not adding to the constant bombardment
of negativity and stress that the rest of the world will throw at them.
To Sum Up
Teach the skills necessary to deal with obstacles and pain
Rather than being an obstacle yourself.
Only good can come of this approach.