Confidence does not equal Arrogance
There is a common idea that
we have to be hard on kids
at least some of the time
or they will end up being overconfident
and this will lead to arrogance.
I have heard over and over parents say that
they don’t want their kids to feel they can
just get away with anything
so they lay down the law.
If we don’t day NO to them, they will end up entitled
There’s also a feeling that if kids are not told no
on a somewhat regular basis
and if they do not have to deal with disappointment from their parents
they will end up feeling entitled.
Arrogance is not Pretty
Now if you have ever met
an arrogant and entitled person
it is quite obvious that these are undesirable qualities.
I agree that it is worthwhile
to raise your kids in such a way
that they do not acquire these attitudes.
Let us think about the causes of arrogance and entitlement
If this is what we want it is necessary
to think deeply about where these attitudes come from
and how are they developed.
There are three qualities that we are looking at here.
One is arrogance
The next is entitlement
And the last is confidence.
Confidence is not the Cause
It is important to understand that arrogance and entitlement
do not come from confidence.
They are actually compensating
for a lack of confidence.
Arrogance is the sense of feeling like
one is better than others.
This goes along with the feeling that
others are less than you are. Less worthy of love and respect.
Arrogance is Created from a Lack of Self-worth
This comparison comes when young people are made to feel
they are worthy of love only in certain circumstances
And in other circumstances they are less worthy of love.
If they do not feel a genuine sense of self-respect
They will have to create an external show of confidence
In order to not feel completely worthless.
Unconditional Love is the Antidote
If a young person is brought up with unconditional love and acceptance
then this feeling of being worthy of love and friendship
becomes their natural state.
This means they do not have to put anyone down
or see anyone at lower than themselves
in order to feel self worth.
Comparison disappears and self-worth stands on its own
This is because they’re worth is not something
that is relative to someone else.
They do not have to compare themselves to others
in order to feel good about themselves.
Feeling good about themselves is intrinsic.
From this we can see that true self-confidence
is not based on comparing oneself to others
nor is it based on needing to get praise or avoid punishment.
Love for others is the natural result of real confidence
In fact this kind of confidence breeds the feeling
that all people are worthwhile and worthy of love and friendship
just as much as we are.
The word entitlement has become quite fashionable these days
when talking about young people.
The idea of entitlement is believing
they don’t have to consider other people and their feelings.
I am entitled to this and it doesn’t matter how it affects anyone else.
Not a very attractive attribute to be sure.
Entitlement comes from insecurity
This feeling again comes from insecurity.
If we truly love and respect ourselves
and if we know we deserve to be treated with respect
automatically we will feel inside
that all people are deserving of that respect.
It is when we are making up for a lack of inner acceptance
that we neglect to think of other people.
We cannot get people to act better
by making them feel worse
Making people feel worse is not the most effective way to avoid them feeling entitled.
In essence all negative personality expressions
are a result of a lack of love.
Therefore the healing and the change
must come from creating more love.
Confidence comes from love and produces love
The deepest and most authentic confidence
Comes from the foundation of unconditional love of self.
When this is firmly in place
People will not have the need to compare themselves to others
In order to feel good about themselves
And the desire to make others feel good about themselves arises naturally
Pain produces pain
And love produces love
A simple sentence, but profound in its application.
Creating love and confidence in your children
is the best defense against arrogance and entitlement.